Knocked Off balance

As some of you may know, I’m currently under going my assessment for Employment and Support Allowance. This is not, before I get any of the crap by some, “you think you’re entitled to everything” spiel but because I want help into work. I was on Job seeker’s allowance 4 years ago and the Job Centre Plus Disability Employment Advisors didn’t have a clue what to do with me and I strongly doubt that has changed. So, ESA work related is my only hope into any kind of work. Am I hopeful? Sure, if I wasn’t, I may as well lay down and die. Am I realistic? Of course. I highly doubt they can help me anymore than Job centre did in my past.

I have little qualification and little experience but I’m desperate to work and get out of this horrible mental place I am in. Anyway, as you can imagine, my brain’s been all over the place. I’m anxiously awaiting communication from them to say if I need a face to face assessment which I’m dreading above all else.

This is not my only worry. Of course, I’m concerned about losing money but the humiliation would be worse. I’ve not been having a fantastic time with horse riding. Sure, nothing goes smoothly and we have to have bad times and all that but it’s not working for me right now. School sessions are good but I feel Bella and I have hit a brick wall. So very frustrated with all of that.

Yesterday, I was in the worst mood possible. I know it’s because I’m stressing and not sleeping but today just threw me completely off balance. My guide dog mobility instructor called and left me a voice mail. When I returned her call, she said could she call me back? I said yes and began wondering, as you do, what it could be about. I never expected what was to come.

I was in Iceland, paying for my groceries and I answered the phone. I don’t know what I was expecting but we may have a possible match for you was not it. Things moved really fast after that. She came out with the dog and we went to a local cafe to chat. I wanted to do this away from my mum.

I did a walk with him and I liked it. Felt completely alien to how I walk with Bailey but that’s to be expected I guess. Then we brought him back and he met Bailey. He’s coming to stay for a night or two next week to see how things fit with the family and I will do some further walks with him. Nothing is set in stone and I have a lot to consider. It’s probably not a bad time for Bailey to retire as he’s been slowing up for months and is losing his confidence in busy areas but is this the right dog for me? And if it isn’t, then how long before another suitable match is found? And how long will Bailey try his little heart out for me even though it’s not always as positive and beautiful as once before. A few tough weeks ahead. Am I strong enough? I don’t bloody feel it right now.

Hugs, MJ

Leave a Reply

Close Menu