I cannot believe I got hit by illness yet again. Last weekend it was a chill or something on my back, this week I woke up with a sore throat and runny nose and a cough. Slept a lot of today and watched tV. I hate being stuck indoors. Weekends are so bleh to me! I wish I could ride on a weekend. Hopefully now the weather’s getting cooler, and I get over this cold thing, I might be able to ride at my mum’s friend’s field again. Clearly twice a week riding lessons is not enough for me. I can’t wait to get back on a horse. If I could do it every day as a job, my life would be so much happier. I love Bails to pieces, and he’s my guide but he and I can’t get paid for working together. I don’t think I’ll ever get a job within the equestrian world. I’m starting to think that keeping dreaming is only leading to disappointment after disappointment. I want to apply to our local college and a good friend of mine had set the wheels in motion but I’m still waiting for contact from a tutor about the course. In my past experience, that does not bode well. I’m not sure where to go from here. Setting up my own business, offering physical and mental therapies was my plan, but without the physical therapies which I know I can do, I cannot save in paid work to set up the business. Guess I’m never meant to succeed at anything. Maybe I should just give up riding now because without the opportunity to own my own and have stables, I don’t think I could be content with just riding twice a week. And if I’m brutally honest, I’m probably not that good anyway. Not good enough or capable enough to own my own and realise my dreams. I’m just kidding myself. Aren’t I? I’m so confused. Everything I try just seems to come to a dead end. I’m not afraid of hard work but I can’t do even that without a chance first. Negative, I know. But it’s how I feel today. 🙁 Blame the cold, I’m blaming it for everything else today. The future is bleak for us all, I know that. But I’m so pathetic, 28 and living at home still, never having had a job and not even half decent at anything. Ah well, at least i have Bailey still. He and I can meander through this isolation alone, together at least. That’s all for now, sorry to have bored you all, if anyone took the time to read, thank you anyway. MJ

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