Mood Update

I’ve been feeling pretty gloomy for the past few weeks for one reason or another. Getting work, the future I want and the frustration coupled with getting there in any capacity have built. Not to mention a few other things that I won’t go into here. I know what I want from life, I know what I would sacrifice but the end result is the same. I’m under qualified, under experienced, and under prepared for the world I’m meant to live in. Not to mention incredibly driven and ambitious with no where to direct my energy. I keep feeling like I can fight no longer and then know I have to for without a dream, what do I have left? It seems like the words, the world’s attitude has changed toward blind and disabled people but the situations are the same. We struggle to work and integrate effectively despite the continued impression it’s the opposite. I admire those who are working and functioning well, good on you! I sadly am a huge failure! Or at least that’s how I feel. Its like, you’re 28 and not had a job. You don’t have kids so what’s your excuse? I know there are people in work who are blind, either self employed or working for governmental or educational institutions. Awesome! But all I want is a decent paid job so I can live in my own apartment, choose where I live, and have my own horses and exercise and spend my time how I wish. But every job I try for, I’m under experienced, or not qualified. And I’m blind. I’m so lost and confused and really have no idea what I’m doing any more. Uni seems the only opportunity but will that really help? Not sure of anything anymore. And no one seems to have any answers. So what do I do? Keep flailing around I guess in this sea of confusion. I’m starting to think basket weaving isn’t a bad idea after all. But anyway. On the good news front. I am officially in a size 12s. Bought several different items of clothing and they’re a 12s and fit perfect. So yeah me! I have discovered I have some great friends the past few days. Thanks for listening guys and I will get to see you more once some of my dreams come true. I’m glad we find people in our lives that no matter distance can be good friends and to those who’ve listened to me moan, thanks. 🙂 It’s amazing how life changes despite me seemingly not doing much. I’ve ended a rubbish friendship in the first six months of this year but have consolidated a few good new ones. I’m productive, and will continue to write and who knows, maybe even free lance. Have to earn money somehow. Owning my horses is something I’m determined to do and proving the world wrong that blind people can ride, take care of horses and run their own business successfully. I have to achieve as failing is not an option. Bailey’s well. Everyone else seems fine too. Going to try and sleep now I have this off my chest and thanks to my good friend tonight who managed to cheer me up. 🙂 That’s all for now, MJ

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