I wouldn’t say this year has got off to a great start. Not in the slightest. New Year’s Eve was terrible for me and the proceeding weeks have been a mixed bag. Had a huge fight with someone I’d held very dearly as a friend? There has been a lot of email correspondence with that person but I kinda feel they are happy the friendship is over but won’t admit that to me. It’s sad, I miss that person but I can’t just forgive. I hate being lied to and we’ve been down that road once before. I just wish I knew why they lied to me and felt they couldn’t talk to me. Maybe because I’m such an ogre as a friend? haha. I don’t know. It is sad though and it still hurts. I miss the chats and the giggles we had and despite my head knowing I can’t trust them and reasoning that they’re done with me as a friend, my heart won’t follow. Its like, bam, one minute everything is fine and the next you’re wiped from someone’s life. Wish I could turn off my care so quickly. But I know that if that is true, I mustn’t have meant that much to them. So I am pretty sad about that but I guess in time, I’ll learn to live without that person. I just wish I could thank them for everything they did for me in the past year. They were my biggest cheer leader at times and boosted my confidence with my writing and singing alike. I am trying not to think negative things at all but I do question if that was at all real now? I hope so because I’d hate to think that this person was that fake. Who knows? Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I had no principles whatsoever. haha. I know a demand a lot from my friends but I try to give so much to them, a little in return would be nice. I’ve always said to people, be real with me and I’ll be real with you. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. I just hope she’s OK, because despite everything, she had been there for me at times others weren’t and I’ll always appreciate that. If there was a way to get the friendship back, I’d try but you can’t get a friendship back if only one person wants it. They say they do, but honestly, I’m so past words these days, actions need to speak and I’ve told them this and yet still, nothing. Again, and I’m sounding like a broke record, it’s sad but there’s not much I can do. I will never force people to be my friend and I would hate to make someone feel obliged.
Anyway, so that’s one bad thing. On a positive.
I went to London to do a presentation on apple. It was a lot of fun and met some interesting people and dogs alike on that day. Then went down to visit a friend which was good. Enjoyed those few days. It did me some good to get out of this town for a while. I just hope there are more trips like it this year. 🙂
OK, so another very sad thing, Hannah’s mum passed away last week. It was quite a shock. I know my place is to support her and help her through this, cannot believe she’s gone. I’m so sad for my friend, it’s a situation I cannot even comprehend, and pray I don’t have to for a long time. It’s the funeral next week, so I am sure it will be an occasion filled with love. Rest in Peace Maureen, may the angels be with you.
Next week a friend is staying so goodness knows how that will turn out. We’ll see and I’ll obviously write and let you know.
I’m going to give up my fundraising role within guide dogs. i am not cut out for it at all. I enjoy volunteering so will offer to continue to help out but I really can’t keep doing this. it stresses me out far too much. I’m not meant to be an organiser. That I am certain of now.
Horse riding has been under way again this past few weeks. I’m loving it more and more and my rising trots are pretty much there now. I am so hoping the snow pisses off until next winter now.
Bailey’s doing great. He’s going for a free run today and then tomorrow too as his GDMI is going to teach me the route and show me how to make sure the pup doesn’t bugger off while I’m running him independently. I can’t continue to rely on others, he’s my dog, I should run him on my own, others do it very well. 🙂
Anyway, going to go and do some actual writing. And get dressed. My sinuses are bugging me this week so hopefully they’ll sort themselves out. 🙂 Hugs MJ