2010, You Sucked Ass!

I always do a blog on New Year’s Eve to comment on the things that have happened, good and bad. The way I’m feeling at this moment in time, not sure many good things will make it into this blog but I will try and be objective.

In some ways this year has been sort of successful. I did manage to set up the Manchester Branch, we had a few successful events. However, I completed my first year of uni, passed with some 2/1 and 2/2 grades and yet due to funding cuts cannot continue. This has definitely left me feeling lost. The uncertainty with benefits has me on edge. And quite honestly, I have no idea what will happen in 2011. I am so lost and unsure of what to expect from the new year and it does look rather bleak in all honesty. That scares me and makes me anxious.

I’ve rekindled a friendship and many others have become strained and distant. My personal life is in tatters with some people picking me up and dropping me like hot fire when it suits them. Maybe I’ve caused this? Maybe I’m such a horrible person that others find it impossible to be my friend? Or maybe I’m just not that cool that they think its all right for me to be picked up and dropped at their discretion. I know I can’t control other people but wish they wouldn’t treat me this way. It hurts and I’m just trying to remain strong and not let them be able to continue to use me in such ways. I think the majority of them don’t mean it maliciously, they just know I have no life so when they need me they can surely pick me up when it suits them because I have no life that will cause me to be occupied. I do need to cut myself free of these people but then again, as I said in a previous blog, I’d be left more lonely than I am now.

I didn’t move out and that prospect looks even more a no go than it ever has before. Quite honestly, although on paper this year has been a success, I feel like a failure yet again even though, yet again it is not my fault.

I have huge dreams but do I have the courage to see those dreams through? I don’t know. I want to do so much but it seems almost like I’m trapped in a glass cage with no way out.

The one good thing I did start this year was to learn how to ride. I started riding in April or May this year and it’s the best thing I’ve done for a long time. I haven’t been for four weeks now due to snow, illness and another commitment I had with guide dogs and I’m missing it so greatly. Hope I can get back in the saddle on Tuesday. I’m even dreaming about the horses. I’m hoping that can flourish this year. 🙂

I did become a speaker for guide dogs. That was only just done in December so hopefully will be venturing out to do talks in the new year.

Uncertainty and a dread to hope fill me at the moment. I can only hope 2011 is more promising than it looks.
All the best and happy new year.

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