Wrapping Xmas Pressies, Feeling Festive and depressing thoughts

So I finally bit the bullet tonight after a productive day of wrapping Christmas presents. Yes, after weeks of putting it off, I have finally wrapped all the Christmas gifts. My nephew’s are all sitting in a nice little Santa sack all ready for him on Christmas morning. Everyone else’s is gift wrapped and ready to be given. We went Christmas card delivering this afternoon in the snow which probably set me off in the festive mood. Even watched A Santa in training on TV and I have, all in all had a very festive day.

I can honestly say I’m looking forward to Christmas next weekend. That could always change. Parents no doubt will argue before then which always puts me in a blue Christmas mood. But fingers crossed we can get through the festive season without any animosity.

As for friendships, that’s another issue. Some people need to stop thinking that just because I don’t email back or answer my phone that I’m in a mood with them. It’s probably more likely that I am busy or don’t feel like talking. Saying sorry will just irritate me. I don’t think anyone should say sorry for calling unless I’ve specifically asked them not to call.

Real life friendships are hard to judge on the whole. I know there are a few people who I can truly depend on, others I know I cannot, and who they are is not important to anyone else reading this, I know who they are and that is what matters. I’ve learnt words are hollow so much of the time this past few years. And no matter how much I’d like to think some online friends are reliable, the truth is, they’re not. Life gets in the way. And you can be who you want on the computer. I’ve told myself this for years. So why do I allow myself these friendships? Because, I wrongly have convinced myself that they are friends too. But truth is, they pick up their computers when they’re not busy and can lie, lie, lie. Judging others by my own standards is a thing I truly have to stop doing. Even though you take me as you find me, others are not necessarily going to be the same. And I shouldn’t let myself get hurt by this. Afterall, other people have lives unlike myself. And I seriously need to learn harden up and stop being there without question for people because again, that never works both ways. No one is perfect, especially me, but guess I look to online friends to fill the void of real life close to hand friends that I have in my life. I’m a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. I spend a lot of time online, far too much probably, spend most of my time with my dog and my mum, not that I dislike my mum, and oh hey that’s it. I write, sure, and pretend to myself that people give a damn what I say, but lets face it, no one cares. I’m the outsider or the pick up a friend when you’re bored kind of person. I’m the stand in friend, hey that’s it. That is exactly what I am. There for you if you’re bored, nothing else to do or if you need technical help. OK, I need to just deal with this. Just wish I knew what was so shit about me to make me this way and make others use me like this. I know, I know, I need to stop letting them but that is too a catch 22 situation as if I did that, I’d have no one in my life. I should be used to playing second fiddle to everyone’s life by now, but why does it then still bloody hurt?

Going to go and play a game on the iPad and try not let this crap get to me. Bit of alone time away from the shit that I call my life may do me some good.

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