It’s amazing how one throw away comment can unbalance someone when their mental state is not exactly doing well. I hate feeling like this but with recent events, it’s hard to remain positive about much. The fact my foot is restricting my own life and then the chaos of crap going on with family and sister and baby being back at home, causing a ton of stress, it’s no wonder my mental stability is in question. I keep trying to remain positive, I’d built up so much positivity since the beginning of the year, doing well with school, exercising and getting fit, horse riding, doing volunteering and with two major events, everything seems to be taking on such a negative stance. I’m questioning if uni is the right way to go, if I’ll ever get a job, what’s the point in volunteering any more, and should I just become a big, fat slob? I’m tired of being stuck in this rut and it seems nothing I do will help me get out of it. I keep trying to get back to America but that dream seems non-existent anymore along with a successful and prosperous life. I may as well sit and rot in this room.
I’m too old to go to watch shrek or toy story3 apparently and so therefore am I too old to dream of anything? stories and movies of the young often give us hope for our own futures, so without that hope am I destined to grow old here, in this room, with no future of my own to speak of? Am I too old to study? To start a career? Or should I just fit neatly into the blind, unemployed stereotype for the rest of my damned days? I know the person who said the comment about the movies didn’t mean it to spark all of these feelings, and I know he would have never said that stupid joke if he had known how I was feeling, but cabin fever is kicking in and I’m alone over here with no anchor to cling me to the shore. My friends are scattered all over the world and the one friend in close proximity is tied up with her own life. My family is stressing, my foot prevents me from going anywhere, and I am trapped in this social free existence, feeling horribly familiar feelings of desolateness and loneliness.
What is the point of studying if I cannot do it effectively? Without the books I am struggling and there seems no sure way to get the books I need. And what’s the point anyway? I’m going to get a degree but still no job at the end of it? And even if I did, I’d probably end up arguing tooth for tooth about the way things are done. But what else can I do? I’m so incapable of one good thing that can drive me into employment and society’s attitudes to the disabled are not getting any better. The world seems like a very dark place today and reality is too hard to face anymore.
True, I may be just emotional, and I know a lot will tell me to keep on trying but trying seems to get me no where anymore. I get to a happy place and I get pushed off of the proverbial horse. People pick me up and drop me whenever they desire. and I don’t like being the blind toy people can play with whenever they need an altruistic hit. Isolation and imprisonment of physical and social means is a sure way to make me feel like I’m falling back into the pit of depression. I don’t want to be there but how can I get out of it? Just one sign from someone to make me remember and believe that it is worth pushing on forward would be nice. Sorry for boring you guys, but I needed to get it off of my chest. Hugs MJ