Stress = no good

This week hasn’t been nearly as stressful as last but still has had its problems. Still no books but I’m just doing my best. It’s all I can do.

My lovely friend, the crimson tide came to visit and so the past few days have been filled of feeling icky and unwelcome emotions/hormones.

Stuff that happened with my ex a month or so ago came back to hit me pretty hard yesterday. I felt hurt all over again and disbelieving of the pain he was able to cause. He maintains he loves me but as I told him actions speak louder than words. Our phone conversation didn’t end well last night because when I pointed out we shouldn’t talk today as I know he’ll have had a drink, he said he wouldn’t be that drunk to which I pointed out, I’ve heard that before. Some people get merry and overly affectionate when they have had a drink, my ex is generally mean to me unless we’ve been hanging together. I’m not sure why but I put it down to how I’ve been in the past. But needless to say that our last conversation ended pretty abruptly and I know most of that was my fault.

I know some people think I am boring and never have any fun but I never see getting totally wasted every weekend as fun. My body feels like crap for days later and my head’s unable to concentrate. I am my own control freak and so getting out of control is something I do not like to do. I have a drink now and again sure, but not to the point where I don’t know where or who I am. I’ve been there and done it and it scares the hell out of me. I know I was lucky enough to have always been around friends who took care of me but some people are not always that lucky.

I know now I’ve got to concentrate on school and becoming a successful individual. People may not have a good opinion of me but just because I’m not someone you can control or bully into being someone I’m not does not make me less of a person. I worry about certain people’s drinking habits because of situations they have got themselves into in the past. If someone wants to drink on a night out, I have not got a problem with that as long as they are sensible, don’t cause trouble or cheat on their other half. Life’s about being responsible for yourself and if you’re in your home with friends you trust and someone has the sense to stay enough sober to make sure no one kills themselves or all of them, then I don’t see there being a problem.

And people who say they love you and care about you but do the complete opposite to contradict those words, they really need to look inside of them and question their true feelings. As a psychology student I know that our subconscious and not our conscious is often behind the things we do.

And if I have been a bitch to anyone, I won’t apologise unless I believe it warrants an apology. I’m tired of people walking all over me either because I’m a woman, a blind woman or a decent person. That’s all, gotta get dressed and get down to some serious studying. Hugs MJ

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