Yesterday didn’t get any better. It continued to be emotional, argumentative and on the whole, totally draining.
So a lot of issues came out of yesterday, things that I really wish were not issues at all. I went into this second chance believing we could do this. Look for a house, have a good Christmas together and build a good, solid relationship. I’m not sure I believe any of that anymore. He’s said he will prove me wrong, and I whole heartedly hope he is right but how can I believe something I have already been told and had it crumple around me already, only a few weeks into this “new start”.
Part of me understands his predicament but there has to come a time in all of our lives where we must become focussed on our lives, what we want and need and break away from our family. Loving your family won’t change, God knows I love mine but handing money out to them and picking up after bills has to stop when you decide you know where your own life is heading. I know he wants to be with me, but merely saying it and contradicting his actions cannot go on. How can I be with someone who puts all of his money into financing his family? If we’re supposed to be a starting a new.
That hurts but the worst thing is the fact he didn’t tell me about this until the horrific arguments yesterday over why he hasn’t got a lot of money for Xmas. I had kinda suspected as much but did not want to believe this was happening. I mean, everyone helps out, I contribute to my house but not to the extent where its leaving me with very little money. I know it sounds harsh, but he has got to take charge of his own destiny, because cruising along as he is now, he’ll still be stuck at home in 20 years time with the same problems. He can be so much more than what he gives himself credit for, I see his potential, it’s just a shame he doesn’t.
So that was pretty shitty as you can imagine. I have agreed, I want him to still visit this weekend but I’m not sure I can spend Xmas at his house. Part of me is angry with them for taking advantage of his unbelievably good nature and maybe I have no right to feel that way, but I do. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t feel he can stand up for himself and say no. I know everyone’s different but I learnt a long time ago, if you don’t look out for yourself and the things that are important to you, then no one else will. I really want him to move up here with me and let him bloom into the wonderful man he has the potential of becoming. If I didn’t love him so much, he wouldn’t be getting this chance but he knows, I believe, how much work will have to come from him. It’s from the ground up now and this destiny is in his hands because if he fucks up again, I can’t continue to do this. last chance and he needs to learn to think before acting on certain things. I want him and I to be a team but in order for that to happen he needs to commit to building up the team trust and team companionship.
Man, I got philosophical today but think it all needed to be said. The way I feel at the moment tells me to stay home with mi familia for Xmas, because I care about him and don’t want shit to go down.
But better go and get some uni work done. reading unit 2 and making notes. So holla later. But feeling a little better about things today. hugs MJ