Deflated

Weird title for a blog right? Well, it’s the way I feel. Not that anyone truly gives a fuck. I’d be surprised if anyone actually reads this. Why would they?

Brings me to my several hundred thousand questions of whys? You can say what you want, but beside three people in my life and one dog, no one actually is prepared to listen to my confused, hurt, sad and pathetic disposition. They know who they are so I don’t need to name names. Let’s just say I appreciate their ears and shoulders to cry on. And sorry to them for having to deal with my continuing sad and depressive moods. If I could change, i would.

So, first question. Why do I continue to do anything seen as the general consensus of the world’s population sees blind people as incapable of anything. I can name so many people personally who have made me feel this way in the past month or so or generally in the past 25 years of my life but I can’t be assed having other people’s guilt on my conscience. So I try to get a job, I try to get qualifications, i try to live a life that was full and active, and where did it get me? Where I’ve always been! Dejected, rejected, isolated, alone and with no prospects for a future. Do not try and give me the same old crap that its all in my head! I am a freaking emotional wreck, that I do know and am very aware of, but people, you can’t tell me one thing and believe another.

This happily brings me to my second question: Why do people keep telling me I can do this and I can do that when they don’t believe i can? Someone keeps telling me that I just have to believe in myself, but every time I do that, I get it slapped back in my face. University! I knew I could do that with assistance, what happened? no assistance, at least not in this country.

Third question: Why the hell was I given a wonderful life, in a wonderful place with wonderful people and have never been able to retrieve that? That my friends is what you call fate being a complete and utter bastard! Give me a beautiful life with amazing friends with a great life and then take it away and never give me the chance to get it back. I tried, believe me i tried. But everything I did was just not good enough.

Fourth question: I keep trying to get a job, but then why is it that everyone who is supposed to be helping me fails me? This has happened so many times since sixth form college ended that I cannot even account for them all now. Once I slipped through the happy, comfortable net of sixth form and Oldham V.I service’s protective arms, I was fucking well screwed! There is no clear guide lines, no one seems to be competent at their job and hence leaves people screwed over. Even establishments that are aimed at helping the visually impaired suck at it!

Question 5: Why do I continue to do anything that might help me? I really have no answer to this. Why do I write? Maybe to keep my brain from going to jelly, or to break up the day of sitting alone with Bailey at my computer and preventing the endless, mindless searching for crap on the internet. That is my only reasons. I guess it does make me a little happy too.

Question 6: Why do I bother to make plans? If I make them, someone or me can always break them. That happens a lot! Not necessarily on purpose but usually plans are broken/changed and hardly ever do they pan out the way I hope. Camping trips, days out, nights out, hmm, what are they any more? I think i keep planning in hope that one day a plan will come through. Yeah right! Give up now, yeah?

So I’m angry, frustrated, bored, lonely, sad, isolated and a whole host of other things. Does anyone care? I highly doubt it!

note! rant over for now, if you were reading this, sorry you were subjected to my bullshit life, escape while you can!

M.J

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