Unhappy and Uncertain yet absolutely sure!

If you read my previous blog post you will understand why I say I’m unhappy and yet sure of what would make me happy. Yet, how do I really know? I am tired of just existing and living in a life that doesn’t belong to me. If this is it, I don’t think I want it. To be completely ignored by my family, picked up whenever it suits people, and trying to sort out other stuff to just get it thrown back in my face. If people don’t want me in their lives, then cool, fuck off, I’m tired of fake shit. But if I’m never going to find happiness again then I’d rather die now with the memories I have before they become tarnished from years of bitterness. Why was I given such a wonderful life and amazing friends for them to just be taken away from me? It’s unfair and nothing since has ever compared. I am in my heart a Californian chick. just wish I could go back forever! because I’m so unhappy right now that I don’t see the point of continuing to live. If this is my life, living with my parents, just occasionally getting out of this hell hole when others are able to spare the time, then I can’t keep living like this. It hurts! I feel like I’m a convenience to people, there to be with them when it suits them. I don’t matter to anyone except Bailey who depends on me for his food and general care. I miss the life I had but as someone pointed out to me, maybe I’ll never get that back. So this is it? Really? Then, fuck it! I don’t want it! I’d rather be dormant than continue to live in this existence because that’s all it is. An existence. I don’t matter to anyone. I’m just there. No one would miss me if I wasn’t here. No one!

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