Down Days

I guess we all have those days where we feel low and often don’t know what it is that is making us feel that way. The problem is, I know what is making me feel down on the whole and I can do nothing about it. I miss my friends in Cali so much and I miss the life I had even more. No one seems to get what I feel and I know some people feel angry whenever I post things like this on here and it makes them think that I don’t care about my friends or family or boyfriend here, but that is not the case. I was a part of a great bunch of girls who I loved very dearly. If any of you could have seen the way I was when I was out there, you’d hardly believe I was the same person. The only ones who know what I’m like are Katie, Claudia, Grace, Asha, Marissa and several others. And it isn’t that I don’t love my friends or family or Aaron with all of my heart but I lived a life where I felt complete. I was accepted for me as a person, not thought of as a visually impaired person first and then Marie second. My friends there and people I came into contact with me got to know me first, not the visually impaired person. I guess its the American way, or maybe I was just lucky where I was and with who I associated with, I don’t know, but to feel like you were one of them and not the visually impaired chick of the group, made me feel real. And yes, I hear some of you saying, she really needs to get over this but you try getting over a life where you felt like you mattered and you were accepted by the consensus for who you were and not rejected for your blindness. So I’m sorry if I’m not happy and smiley all of the time but what do i have to smile about? My love life is the only good thing I have right now. I can’t get a job, I rarely do stuff, I probably one of the most boring bitches you’ll ever meet and yet I hate that because when I lived in California, I was not that person. I’m bitter, I hate the life I’m leading right now and I see hardly any way out of it. It hurts so much to know that that life is waiting and I have no way to get to it. because without a job, there’s no way back to california for me. I want to be successful and make something of my life but right now its like a oblivion filled with nothing.

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