What Does it Mean?

Nice to know where you stand sometimes and other times it makes you feel like complete shit! I’m tired of being there for people when they expect me to be. I know I can be a complete bitch but I don’t think I deserve the treatment I get half the time. I’m there for everyone else when they want me to be and I’m treated like the spare friend. Whenever everyone else is busy, hey let’s call or message Marie, she isn’t busy, she never is. Maybe it’s my fault because I’m always there but I always feel bad when I’m not there for people. But I’m expected to be on the other end of messenger, the phone or skype whenever it suits everyone else. People call me or message me until I respond because obviously I have nothing better to do with my life than entertain them. All I hear is, “i’m bored, can I call you?” or “Wanna meet up this weekend cos I have a day off”. Never considered that maybe I don’t feel like talking or maybe I wanna meet up at other times or maybe that I wanna call you when I feel like it? I suppose I should be more than used to this treatment, it’s happened ever since school. And then all I get is sorry, didn’t mean to make you feel that way’, well guess what? I do feel like I’m totally being used all the time. I don’t feel that people genuinely want to be friends with me for me. They just wanna be friends because I’m their back up plan. When everyone else is tied up doing stuff then hey, Marie’s always there. And why do I feel like I should always be there for people? I’m tired of being taken for granted. I wish people could be friends with me because they actually like me and not because I’m the one who spends half my life on the computer. Sorry, I’m ranting but this week, the 2 people I thought that cared about me have just done everything to prove that my suspicions are right about people, no one wants to be friends with me because they genuinely like me, but simply because they get bored and need someone to entertain them and keep them from being alone. i love being with people but sometimes I justfeel like people just want me because I’m their back up friend.

And if I’m wrong, I’m sorry but we all know it’s happened in the past and the signs are all there again. The way Steph and Kate treated me, it’s all coming back. And I hate it. I’m not angry, I@ just hurt that i mean so little to people. And that extends to my family too. i’m a burden to them and i’m a back up friend to my friends. OK, now I know who I am, I feel a lot more relieved.

One thing cleared up then. I’m a terrible friend and that’s why I’m the back up friend. Don’t you people think my self esteem is low enough and my confidence is shot to shit enough? I’m just so heart broken. I just walked to the store with my mom and had to just laugh to stop myself from crying, that’s pathetic. I know. So anyone who doesn’t wanna be my friend for real, please stop now. I’d rather you tell me the truth than keep on this facade. And if you are true friends, then please stop taking me for granted because one day I’ll get the balls up and just cut you all lose.

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