When will this Train move again?

I feel like my life’s been put on hold for far too long. I’m isolated here with no prospects and no chance of getting any. I want out so badly and yet I’m not sure how to do it. I’m at a point of depression that scares me. People have turned their back and although I know i have some awesome friends, I question even their motives to be friends. Friends aren’t what i used to think they were. They’re people you have something in common with who like to use you and for their own needs or amusement. I’m not saying i’m perfect and the best friend there is, but it’s sad how humans treat each other. I hate being here as the person I’ve become. Everyone else’s lives are moving and mine’s just standing still. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel alone and like no one really understands me. In reality, all I have is Bailey. And why? Is my destiny to be the world’s loneliest person or what? No one wants to be around me. If they get a better offer they take it. So why don’t I just be by myself? because I, like so many others can’t function without people in my life. I hate feeling like this. I never used to be this unhappy. I used to love to live and live to be happy. And now I can’t even feel close to happy I haven’t been happy for over 3 years. The last time I was happy was the year I lived in California and now I’m about to go back there for a vacation, I’m dreading it. Cos I know what I’m missing. It’ll be cold reality of what I’m missing. friends who hang with me, people who don’t look at me and run, guys who actually find me attractive strangely enough. It hurts to be this ugly. And who wants me around? my dog, because I feed him! How pathetic is that? The only reason Bailey wants to be around me is because I feed him and take him to the bathroom. It kills me that no one wants to be around me that badly. Am I such a terrible person? But my pride won’t let me change. I won’t be any less than who I am. The only thing that keeps me going is Bailey and the fact that I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it. I can’t end it because I’m too chicken.

Anmd I keep fighting for people’s rights and where is that getting me? Fuck no where. Who’s gonna listen to me? No one!!! I want out of this town and maybe I can start a new by myself with no one there. Just me and my guide dog. That sounds a better concept. Maybe this is it and I was just kidding myself about California and the prospect of living there? Who was I kidding? it’s laughable. a blind girl moving abroad to be happy! Yeah right! I can’t write any more cos I feel that bad right now. So bye for now

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